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[title] => Otkako je krenula pošast koronavirusa majice, koje su mi lani pristajale, sad se napinju do ruba pucanja preko nečega što definitivno nisu mišići
[alias] => otkako-je-krenula-posast-koronavirusa-majice-koje-su-mi-lani-pristajale-sad-se-napinju-do-ruba-pucanja-preko-necega-sto-definitivno-nisu-misici
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Čudan je to, duboko uznemirujući osjećaj, ponavlja se svake noći i svakoga jutra: stan u kojemu sam usnuo nije jednako velik kao stan u kojemu sam se probudio.
Da ne bude nikakve zabune, ne mjesečarim. To je, pretpostavljam, najstrože zabranjeno otkad nam je uveden režim kućnog pritvora. Ne budim se noću ispruženih ruku, ne izlazim potom na balkon odakle se pentram kat-dva uvis, da bih se konačno ušuljao u tuđi stan potpuno nesvjestan onoga što radim. Ma kakvi, disciplinirani sam spavač koji jedva da se i mrdne u krevetu.
Moj dom, baš kao i vaš, ne može se preko noći ni stisnuti ni narasti, jer se cigle i beton ne mogu ni istegnuti ni usukati. Odakle mi onda taj tjeskobni osjećaj da se svakoga jutra iznova budim u novom, drukčijem, bitno manjem svijetu? Jer, o tome se radi, preko noći moje stan ne postaje veći, nego kao da ulazi u se. Potraje li ovo stanje dovoljno dugo, nije daleko dan kad će se svesti na mjeru garsonijere ili, još gore, garaže, kućice za psa, krletke...
NESTANAK MOJE MALENKOSTI
To čuvstvo od kojega me podilazi jeza pokušavam demontirati racionalnim putem. Gnjavaža mi je tražiti jedini metar kojim raspolažem, onaj krojački (ne pitajte me zašto ga imam, i sâm bih volio znati). Ili možda nije problem u tome, uostalom, nema previše mjesta na kojima sam ga mogao spremiti. Možda mi se ovako kostobolnom ne da puzati na koljenima dok premjeravam duljinu hodnika, kuhinje, kupatila i soba. Zato se odlučujem za ne osobito preciznu, ali ipak relativno pouzdanu metodu: brojim korake što me dijele od jednoga do drugoga zida.
A konačni rezultat te operacije uvijek me ispuni frustracijom, jer se pokaže da je moj stan jednako velik kao što je bio i dan prije.
Ali ako problem nije u četvornim metrima, ako se oni nisu stisnuli kao poliesterska trenirka u perilici, u čemu je onda, pobogu, stvar? Nije valjda u meni? Ili ipak jest? Vaga, na žalost, ne laže. A ne lažu ni majice koje su mi prošle godine u ovo vrijeme krasno pristajale, a sada se napinju do ruba pucanja preko nečega što definitivno nisu mišići.
---
---
Da, posramljen priznajem, nije mi stan postao manji, nego je moja malenkost prestala to biti, naime, malenkost. Dom je sačuvao stari volumen, ali ja nisam, jer iz dana u dan kvasam, bubrim, bivam većim ili bar okruglijim. Sve sam manje čovjek, a sve više pekarski fenomen: nakupina uskislog tijesta koju bi netko trebao čestito razvaljati i vratiti joj stari oblik.
LEPOGLAVSKI NUTRICIONISTI
Činjenica što sam izgubio liniju antilope i eleganciju gazele možda me i ne bi naročito deprimirala da u paketu s otužnim redizajnom figure ne i ide i izloženost stanovitim zdravstvenim tegobama. Jer, osim kilograma, čovjek osuđen na kućni pritvor i kompulzivno žderanje može dobiti još koješta. Ne ide njemu sve u širinu, ponešto se uzdigne i u visine: recimo, tlak, šećer, kolesterol... Pa ti, dragi gojazni čovječe, razbijaj glavu pitanjem je li vrijedilo uteći koroni samo zato da bi te ubila neka kardiovaskularna grozota.
Otkad je krenula ova pošast, svaki je Hrvat dobio priliku na neko vrijeme postati Marko Veselica, dakle, iskusiti kako je to kad robijaš za dobro svoga naroda (epidemiološko, ako već ne političko). Samo je fora u tome što su se o prehrani sirotog proljećarskog martira brinuli lepoglavski nutricionisti koji mu, doduše, jesu zagorčavali život, ali tako barem nije mogao dobiti šećer. Za razliku od nas koji bismo ga mogli dobiti i to ne u praktičnom pakiranju od kilogram-dva, nego u golemim vrećama posloženima na paleti.
Štošta bih vam još imao reći na tu temu, ali nemam kad, jer mi je želudac već počeo kruliti, pa se moram ustati s radnoga mjesta u dnevnome boravku i požuriti u smočnicu.•
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[mainImageDesc] => Čovjeku osuđenom na kućni pritvor i kompulzivno žderanje ne ide sve u širinu, ponešto se uzdigne i u visine: recimo, tlak, šećer, kolesterol
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Luka Gerlanc/hanza mediaČovjeku osuđenom na kućni pritvor i kompulzivno žderanje ne ide sve u širinu, ponešto se uzdigne i u visine: recimo, tlak, šećer, kolesterol
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Nikola ViliĆ/hanza mediaNije mi stan postao manji, nego je moja malenkost prestala to biti, naime, malenkost
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Marko Todorov/hanza mediaU ovoj pošasti svaki je Hrvat dobio priliku na neko vrijeme postati Marko Veselica, iskusiti kako je to kad robijaš za dobro svoga naroda (epidemiološko, ako već ne političko)
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Tom Dubravec/hanza mediaDa ne bude nikakve zabune, ne mjesečarim. To je, pretpostavljam, najstrože zabranjeno otkad nam je uveden režim kućnog pritvora
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Čudan je to, duboko uznemirujući osjećaj, ponavlja se svake noći i svakoga jutra: stan u kojemu sam usnuo nije jednako velik kao stan u kojemu sam se probudio.
Da ne bude nikakve zabune, ne mjesečarim. To je, pretpostavljam, najstrože zabranjeno otkad nam je uveden režim kućnog pritvora. Ne budim se noću ispruženih ruku, ne izlazim potom na balkon odakle se pentram kat-dva uvis, da bih se konačno ušuljao u tuđi stan potpuno nesvjestan onoga što radim. Ma kakvi, disciplinirani sam spavač koji jedva da se i mrdne u krevetu.
Moj dom, baš kao i vaš, ne može se preko noći ni stisnuti ni narasti, jer se cigle i beton ne mogu ni istegnuti ni usukati. Odakle mi onda taj tjeskobni osjećaj da se svakoga jutra iznova budim u novom, drukčijem, bitno manjem svijetu? Jer, o tome se radi, preko noći moje stan ne postaje veći, nego kao da ulazi u se. Potraje li ovo stanje dovoljno dugo, nije daleko dan kad će se svesti na mjeru garsonijere ili, još gore, garaže, kućice za psa, krletke...
NESTANAK MOJE MALENKOSTI
To čuvstvo od kojega me podilazi jeza pokušavam demontirati racionalnim putem. Gnjavaža mi je tražiti jedini metar kojim raspolažem, onaj krojački (ne pitajte me zašto ga imam, i sâm bih volio znati). Ili možda nije problem u tome, uostalom, nema previše mjesta na kojima sam ga mogao spremiti. Možda mi se ovako kostobolnom ne da puzati na koljenima dok premjeravam duljinu hodnika, kuhinje, kupatila i soba. Zato se odlučujem za ne osobito preciznu, ali ipak relativno pouzdanu metodu: brojim korake što me dijele od jednoga do drugoga zida.
A konačni rezultat te operacije uvijek me ispuni frustracijom, jer se pokaže da je moj stan jednako velik kao što je bio i dan prije.
Ali ako problem nije u četvornim metrima, ako se oni nisu stisnuli kao poliesterska trenirka u perilici, u čemu je onda, pobogu, stvar? Nije valjda u meni? Ili ipak jest? Vaga, na žalost, ne laže. A ne lažu ni majice koje su mi prošle godine u ovo vrijeme krasno pristajale, a sada se napinju do ruba pucanja preko nečega što definitivno nisu mišići.
---
---
Da, posramljen priznajem, nije mi stan postao manji, nego je moja malenkost prestala to biti, naime, malenkost. Dom je sačuvao stari volumen, ali ja nisam, jer iz dana u dan kvasam, bubrim, bivam većim ili bar okruglijim. Sve sam manje čovjek, a sve više pekarski fenomen: nakupina uskislog tijesta koju bi netko trebao čestito razvaljati i vratiti joj stari oblik.
LEPOGLAVSKI NUTRICIONISTI
Činjenica što sam izgubio liniju antilope i eleganciju gazele možda me i ne bi naročito deprimirala da u paketu s otužnim redizajnom figure ne i ide i izloženost stanovitim zdravstvenim tegobama. Jer, osim kilograma, čovjek osuđen na kućni pritvor i kompulzivno žderanje može dobiti još koješta. Ne ide njemu sve u širinu, ponešto se uzdigne i u visine: recimo, tlak, šećer, kolesterol... Pa ti, dragi gojazni čovječe, razbijaj glavu pitanjem je li vrijedilo uteći koroni samo zato da bi te ubila neka kardiovaskularna grozota.
Otkad je krenula ova pošast, svaki je Hrvat dobio priliku na neko vrijeme postati Marko Veselica, dakle, iskusiti kako je to kad robijaš za dobro svoga naroda (epidemiološko, ako već ne političko). Samo je fora u tome što su se o prehrani sirotog proljećarskog martira brinuli lepoglavski nutricionisti koji mu, doduše, jesu zagorčavali život, ali tako barem nije mogao dobiti šećer. Za razliku od nas koji bismo ga mogli dobiti i to ne u praktičnom pakiranju od kilogram-dva, nego u golemim vrećama posloženima na paleti.
Štošta bih vam još imao reći na tu temu, ali nemam kad, jer mi je želudac već počeo kruliti, pa se moram ustati s radnoga mjesta u dnevnome boravku i požuriti u smočnicu.•
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Luka Gerlanc/hanza media
Čovjeku osuđenom na kućni pritvor i kompulzivno žderanje ne ide sve u širinu, ponešto se uzdigne i u visine: recimo, tlak, šećer, kolesterol
Marko Todorov/hanza media
U ovoj pošasti svaki je Hrvat dobio priliku na neko vrijeme postati Marko Veselica, iskusiti kako je to kad robijaš za dobro svoga naroda (epidemiološko, ako već ne političko)
Tom Dubravec/hanza media
Da ne bude nikakve zabune, ne mjesečarim. To je, pretpostavljam, najstrože zabranjeno otkad nam je uveden režim kućnog pritvora
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16. svibanj 2024 22:55
